Saturday, August 16, 2014

Wookie Wifey's Top 5 Ways to Beat the Summer Heat!

Teh fine print:
Since this is obviously all in good fun, I debated long and hard for a whole minute or two over what wing to plunk it down into.  I decided this wing was the most fitting.  Because, that's why.

I don’t know about your corner of the world, but here it is the absolute dog days of summer.  Around my neck of the woods, that means temperatures soaring over 100 degrees, a sun that is trying to bludgeon you to death, plus humidity that makes all your clothing adhere to you, melts off any makeup you apply, and ruins any hair style with insta-frizz.  Most days, all I want to do is lie on the floor in nothing but my underwear and cry.  Since I have plenty of experience with summer heat, here are my tips for beating it:

1 – Lie on the floor in my underwear and cry.

Sometimes, it is best to go with your initial instinct and just have a good cry.  The heat sucks.  Global warming is making it suckier.  People suck.  The sun sucks.  Everything sucks.

2 – Convince the neighbors I may be swelling from a horrid allergic reaction.

On the truly horrible days, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, up to and including posting yourself up over the nearest window unit whilst holding your shirt over the vents, thus allowing that sweet, sweet cold air to inflate said shirt and dry out your underboob.

3 – Fill my tub with lukewarm water and pretend I have a pool.

This is for us poorer folk, but I suppose anyone could try it, though why you would WANT to if you can afford a pool is completely beyond me.  While it is actually more effective to use hot water and point a fan at yourself, some days it is *so* damned hot that even air blowing in your face can make you want to throw a tantrum a la terrible twos.

4 – Try to finish a drink before the ice melts.

So maybe this one is more of a game than a way to cool off, but when your ice melts at astonishingly alarming rates, leaving your drink lukewarm and no longer doing its job of actually helping you be cooler, sometimes it is interesting to see if you can beat the melting ice.  
*Spoiler alert: you can’t, and trying too hard will result in paying homage to the porcelain gods.
**Bonus: this is actually effective if the drink is vodka, but it also makes the above addendum doubly-true.

5 – Develop a braver fashion sense.

Okay, so the only truly serious one on the list (except for maybe the underwear-and-cry one), when it gets so damned hot that you just really don’t give a fuck anymore, you find yourself becoming crazy brave with what you’re willing to leave the house in.  Suddenly you’re less embarrassed to go out in that sheer top or the shorts that put your cellulite on display.  Suddenly, those options seem more and more appealing and anyone who disproves of your back fat in that sheer top can just travel downward a few inches and kiss your ass.

<3, \m/, and so much insomnia,


  1. My mother told us to put ice in our elbow and behind our knees because the blood vessels are close to the surface there. It also works to blow a fan through falling water or misting water, if you could figure out how to do that. If you have a freezer, freeze half full bottles of water, and then put them on your neck, and lap. That really helps.

    1. Will it help with burst blood vessels and other unsightly behind-the-knee signs of aging? LOL

  2. I put a big o ice pack in front of my fan. woohoo! I have AC! (ok so I have to sit no further than 6 inches away from the fan but hey! I'll take it!) I have yet to cry while lying on the floor, but I have cuddled with ice packs